Officer Down- Robocop 3 Play By Play Review

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Robocop kicks ass. Period. It is a classic sci-fi/action movie. Robocop 2 was fairly average. A retread of the first movie with one or two things that are fun but nothing special. Now I am watching Robocop 3 for the first time. Now I’ve heard that it isn’t good but I have no idea how bad it actually is. Needless to say it should be an interesting watch.

Considering that Robocop 3 is nearly two decades old I decided to do this as a play-by-play review. If you don’t know that means I make comments as I watch. It’s like a commentary track but written. Now with pictures! So sit back, relax, and join me in Robocop 3.

*****

0:00:00– PG-13??? Oh fuck me.

0:00:27– Orion Pictures. Just got a bit sad that they’re dead or bought by Fox or whatever happened to them.

0:00:50– These green screen effects are awesome.

0:01:20– There isn’t even a proper OmniCorp in this movie????? Oh this is going to be rough.

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0:01:35– The 90’s view of the future (i.e. computers) is always awesome.

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0:02:12– This little girl, I can already tell she’s going to be a factor in this movie and I already hate her. I can’t pinpoint it but I know I’ll despise her by the end. Of course it doesn’t look like she likes me either.

0:03:47– I’LL BUY THAT FOR A DOLLAR!

0:03:56– Why wouldn’t you tell your family that you’ve been evicted???? What kind of shitty ass parent are you???

0:04:53– How did a wacky future gun not know this lady out? I don’t know guns but surely that’d at least knock her out.

0:05:33– Getting hit with a bullhorn WILL knock out though. Future Detroit is odd physics. Also where the hell did she get a mine?

0:06:11– Girl separated from her family. Yeah, she’s going to be in this for a while.

0:07:16– Little girl outruns soldier. A soldier with a future gun. Movies need more future guns.

0:07:55– The resistance is composed of all the actors you go “Oh snap it’s that person!” That’s awesome.

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0:08:47– 209 unit. FUCK YEAH!

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0:09:43– Little girl hacks 209. Gives a “Look at me I’m so clever” look. God I hate this girl.

0:10:00– For the record, still no Robocop. Not even a proper police officer.

0:12:50– MORE PEOPLE I RECOGNIZE BUT DON’T KNOW! Also a funny joke. Well played Robocop 3. Well played.

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0:13:33– NANCY ALLEN!!!

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0:16:10– FIRST SHOT OF ROBOCOP!!! And it’s just his visor. Epic let down.

0:17:05– Splatter punks??? Does that mean this turf belongs to a Misfits tribute band?

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0:18:49– OH NO! IT’S THE CAST OF HOOK!!! AND THEY’RE ALL GROWN UP!!!

0:19:20– A gang approaching you with weapons. Why aren’t you shooting them? Future Detroit cops are idiots.

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0:20:25– ROBOCOP WITH A MACHINE GUN HAND AND HE IS TEARING FUCKERS UP!!! FUCK YES!!!! Finally the movie kicks ass.

0:21:25– So your plan is to set Robocop on fire??? That seems stupid. Also why does he let them???

0:22:37– It just hit me that Robocop isn’t Peter Weller. Sigh.

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0:23:30– So close to hitting the annoying little girl. Damn.

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0:24:07– Fair enough.

0:26:00– Yet another dude I see but don’t know!!! This is like nothing but C-listers. I love it!

0:27:28– FUCK YES A NINJA/SAMURAI!!!

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0:27:57– What. The. Hell.

0:28:12– I swear the police in Detroit are always on strike in the Robocop universe. Maybe they just have low self-esteem.

0:29:42– Why is every Robocop movie about “Oh snap Robocop is too human”??? You would think they would have solved this by now.

0:34:33– “Hey Lewis, you want your body armor?” FORESHADOWING!

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0:37:45– NANCY ALLEN KILLED???????? And thus the most likable piece of this movie goes.

0:39:46– Damn right you’ll kill them Robocop! They killed Nancy Allen!!!

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0:40:12– Robocop had a solemn moment! That or they want to imply that he’s Jesus. I’m good either way.

0:40:32– This girl really can’t act.

0:43:25– I get that kids know electronics than adults. With all their fancy walkmans and karaoke machines. But how the hell did she know where the tracking device was? It’s not like Robocop is a household item.

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0:44:15– ACTING!

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0:47:17– THE NINJA WEARS COWBOY BOOTS!!!!!!!!!! This has to be the bossest motherfucker EVER!

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0:50:10– Why is this chick playing a wooden flute? THAT is who I want to follow.

0:51:41– Doctor Lazarus? To fix the nearly dead Robocop? That just feels like cheap writing to me.

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0:53:39– The Ninja kicks ass AND makes his own sound effects!!! AND IS APPARENTLY A ROBOT!!!!!!!! ROBONINJA!!!!!!!!!! HELL TO THE YEAH!!!!!!!!!

00:54:30– Why would you just have a map to the rebel base on you? That seems really dumb to me.

0:57:36– Early 90’s CGI!!!!!!!!!!!

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0:59:20– Flashbacks to a better movie. Also the guy on the left, love the look on his face.

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01:00:39– Robocop bonding with the child. Argh. Also in picture form, this looks wicked creepy to me.

01:02:27– RoboNinja takes no shit!

01:05:02– “You got a Robocop, do you have an AlienCop? Do you have a VampireCop?” Random citizen makes good points.

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01:05:50– ROBOCOP WITH A FLAMETHROWER!!! FUCK YES!! Also apparently cigarettes are blue in the future. Huh, never would’ve guessed that.

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01:08:12– Oh snap!!!! Guy from Dodgeball is a turncoat!!!

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01:08:30– FUTURE MOTORCYCLES RULE!!!

01:13:15– Well that chase was unimpressive.

01:18:29– So the cops ARE going on strike. I should’ve known it was gonna happen eventually.

01:19:51– They’re blaming Robocop for killing nuns? Was eating kittens too over the top?

01:21:50– The Class of 1984 joined the OCP and they are PISSED!

01:24:00– ROBOCOP VS ROBONINJA!!!!!!!!!!!! FINALLY!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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01:26:51– And Roboninja goes down like a chump. After a minimum amount of action. What a letdown.

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01:28:35– I have no words. Just… this picture.

01:30:00– OCP had a tank??? Why the hell didn’t you lead with that? Sid & Nancy rejects are much less intimidating.

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01:30:37– ROBOCOP WITH A JETPACK!!!!

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01:33:21– MORE ROBONINJAS????? AND THEIR HEAD DOESN’T EXPLODE??? YES! YES! YES!

01:34:34– Annoying girl hacked the Roboninjas? Dammit nothing cool works in this movie.

01:35:40– Did they just invert the color to signify an explosion??? Well that’s just dumb.

01:37:37– Thank God this is over.

*****

How absolutely underwhelming. This movie could have been good. No really it could have. The plot overall is a bit generic but perfectly acceptable. A security force takes over Detroit, hires a ninja, Robocop has to win. That’s all great. The problem is in the execution. The action, no good. The effects, even by the standards of 1993 aren’t good. I mean Jurassic Park came out the same year and we get this??? Obviously they aren’t going to get a Jurassic Park budget but not even a Demolition Man budget? It just looks terribly outdated. Then there’s the little girl. She is a mix of useless and annoying throughout. Worst of all though the movie is boring due to poor decisions in the story. I mean the movie has Robocop with a flamethrower, a city wide civil war and ROBONINJA! Yet somehow, someway this movie absolutely wastes these absolute golden ideas. As I said, absolutely underwhelming. If there’s any plus there is no way the remake coming out next year can be any duller than this.

Overall- F
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About Douchebag Batman

If you found this blog, I probably know you personally. Basically I'm using this for movie reviews, MMA previews, and the occasional wackiness from out of left field. Shout out to the horror short Welcome to the Party for the hella boss avatar. I'm not very good at selling this, am I? Anyway just check it out. You'll be filled with laughter. From my actual writing or realizing "Wow this guy needs an editor".
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