Vault of Wonder #2- House of the Dead


*CAUTION- SPOILERS ABOUND*

Uwe Boll. He’s self-indulgent, a hack, a con man, a bully, and an awful movie maker. Now before I get called to the table for slander, realize that its hard to argue against these points. I mean he basically takes random video game franchises and makes bad movies. Up until about 2005 he would basically use an exploit in German tax laws he was able to finance his films, no matter how poorly they did in the box office. Not only that but after a series of critical beatings he decided to challenge his critics to real beatings. Boll, an amateur boxer, basically destroyed a few random critics in boxing matches. Needless to say, he’s far from the most beloved guy in Hollywood. He first came into prominence in 2003 with House of the Dead. Based on SEGA’s franchise of shooting games the movie came out to moderate fanfare and actually making its money back at the box office.

I happened upon the movie 2 or 3 years ago at a closing Hollywood Video. With everything at only $2, the place was absolutely insane. As I tend to do, I headed straight for the horror section which was hardly touched. I picked up some of the classics. Nightmare on Elm Street 3, Friday the 13th part 4, the usual fare. Then I saw it. House of the Dead. Now I’ve heard about the movie for years. I knew its reputation. I knew Uwe Boll made it. I knew all of the negative things behind it. Yet, I couldn’t resist. I just had to get it. I mean I already had Plan 9 (THANKS JACOB!) so it’s not like it was the worst movie in collection. So in my stack of 15+ movies I picked it up. As soon as I got home I turned on the PS3 and watched…. Nightmare on Elm Street 3. Then Nightmare on Elm street 4. Then Nightmare on Elm Street 5. I went through a decent amount of those movies but never made it to House of the Dead. Until tonight. Tonight I’ll be watching the movie. Well, at least I bought it used and didn’t give Uwe Boll any of my money.

UNWATCHED TALLY-
DVDs- 51*
BLURAYS- 6
DVR- 14
TOTAL- 71

*More DVDs added due to finding random bootlegs.

*****

0:00:11– Bright Light pictures. That made me chuckle.

0:00:46– Wait, why the heck was there high school AV club level filters of the video game???

0:01:05– Clint Howard, 2nd name in the opening credits. Already amazing. Amongst knockoff Prodigy no less.

0:01:42– “Production Designer- TINK”. It’d be so wicked if Tinkerbell was a producer in Hollywood.

0:02:18– EXPOSITION!!!

0:02:51– “We broke up so I could study and she could fence.” Well, that’s something you rarely hear. On a side note, I am really not digging this film’s noir-ish narration. If he throws out “Of all of the doors she could walk through, she walked through mine” is uttered I’ll die.

0:03:05– The rave is called “GATHERING”. There better not be any juggalos there.

0:03:21– “If only they decided to stay back in Seattle, they’d all be alive today.” Well thanks for spoiling it, jerk.

0:03:33– I wonder if SEGA regrets this movie or Sonic Unleashed more.

0:03:57– OH SNAP!!!!!!!!!!! RAVE TIME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Sponsored by SEGA obviously.

0:05:06– CLINT HOWARD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! WITH A HOOK HAND!!!!!!!!!!!!

0:05:18– Nevermind. Just a bait and switch. Dang.

0:05:44– “Shove off”. I’ve officially heard the phrase more times here then anywhere else.

0:06:13– OMINOUS MUSIC!!!!!!!!!!!

0:07:07– Captain Kirk joke. And the least intimidating “SLAM THE KNIFE ON WOOD” moment ever.

0:07:58– Wait, the FBI is after the sea-captain? What???

0:08:48– Least effective FBI team EVER.

0:09:14– It just hit me. Random dude looks like James Franco’s untalented cousin.

0:09:58– Holy poop the random party goer is Erica Durance!!!! Lois Lane!!!!!!! SWEET!!!!

0:10:07– LOIS LANE BOOBIES!!!!!!!!!!!!!

0:10:09– And other random party goer looks like Green Arrow’s ugly nephew. That doesn’t swim with a topless Lois Lane because the water’s cold. Yeah, he’s no Ollie Queen.

0:11:36– The acting in this is so amazing. Awe inspiring stuff.

0:11:58– UNDERWATER LOIS LANE BOOBIES!!!!!!!!!!!!!

0:12:28– Zombies make bubble effects??? Or maybe it’s just farting. Note to self, farting zombie should be the name of my comedy troupe.

0:13:39– Clint Howard, CREEPER. Like make John Waters jealous levels of creep.

0:14:12– Zombie apparently stole a shirt from Screech Powers.

0:14:30– Go into the spooky grave ueard. Yeah, smart move Lois.

0:15:06– WHY WOULD YOU GO INTO THE SPOOKY CRYPT??? That’s stupid by horror standards.

0:15:43– WHERE’S SUPERMAN NOW???

0:15:48– Why the heck would you show me clips of the video game??? To remind me I could be playing it instead of watching this??? Thanks, I really needed to feel worse about this decision.

0:16:39– Random fact, there’s a wiki page for the Matrix digital rain screen saver everybody had in 2000. Nothing to do with the movie, just something I thought would benefit your life. You’re welcome.

0:17:39– FBI, still incompetent.

0:17:58– Wait, Captain Kirk is a drug runner or something??? Well that’s disheartening.

0:18:55– “Smells like someone farted up there”. WRITING!!!!!!!!

0:19:53– Wait so Clint Howard is like “What about the kids”. Kirk says “We’ll come in a week”. How long does he think they’ll wait?

0:20:12– Deserted rave site. Well that’s a horror setting I never thought I’d see.

0:20:25– Wow these chicks are mean. Not Mean Girls mean, just kind of bitchy.

0:21:07– At least one person is distressed about being on a deserted island.

0:21:16– “Simon cannot survive on Bud alone.” Well I’m sure Budweiser is totally stoked with this bit of product placement.

0:22:20– “Me and Cyn are gonna groove to some funky tunes all night long”. I think that is the whitest thing I have ever written. Also there is absolutely no music playing got get funky to.

0:23:37– THEY KILLED CLINT HOWARD!!!!!!!!!! NO!!!!!!!! NOT THE ICE CREAM MAN!!!!!!

0:23:40– WHERE ARE MY FUNKY TUNES TO GROOVE TO!!!

0:23:47– “Maybe I should just” *pelvic thrust*”. Can’t say the screen writers weren’t classy.

0:24:20– Dude called sex the “humpity-bumpity”. Has anyone ever said that in real life. Like ever???

0:26:38– It just hit me. This chick has a busted grill. Given I don’t have the perfect smile but I’m not the one in movies.

0:27:05– We’re never going to see a kill are we? Just cutting away before anything happens. Least violent horror movie ever.

0:27:32– They just said they wouldn’t be heading in!!!!!! Did you not understand their sarcastic remarks???

0:27:40– And they go in any way. What indecisive friends.

0:29:11– So we see the zombies attack the rave, ON A VIDEO CAMERA. You couldn’t just show us??? I mean lord forgive me for wanting a movie with zombies attacking people WHERE THEY ACTUALLY ATTACK PEOPLE.

0:29:40– And reference zombie movies I’d rather watch. THANKS. It’s like this movie wants me to turn it off and do something else.

0:30:46– SWIMMING ZOMBIES!!!!!!!!! I like to think they do the dog paddle.

0:31:28– It just hit me. This movie would be absolutely perfect for Monstervision. Remember that??? God I miss TNT when it didn’t suck. Joe Bob Briggs rocked so hard.

0:31:58– PORTAPOTTY ZOMBIE!!!!!!!!!

0:32:16– And it’s just a random dude cheap scare. Hope dashed away once again.

0:32:59– A zombie attacked and it broke a dude’s neck. IT BROKE A GUY’S NECK!!!!!!!!! It can’t be that hard to just write “zombie bites the guy”. Like am I wrong? Am I missing something???

0:33:05– Slow mo shooting. Ripping off The Matrix, that’s the ticket!

0:33:33– So random dude just saw his zombie girlfriend kill a dude and get shot. And he just stands there like a mannequin. Let me channel my inner John Lovitz. Ahem. ACTING!!!!

0:33:43– The McGuyvers. MCGUYVERS!!!! Yeah, naming your special FBI team after a cheesy 80’s show will totally be taken seriously.

0:34:30– FULL VIEW OF THE SWIMMING ZOMBIES! Nice.

0:34:47– Okay, Captain Kirk is a badass. Just totally cool and calm shooting zombies. Like a seafaring Duke Nukem.

0:35:23– I also love how to zombies take stunt falls. Like generic mooks in a in a Stallone movie.

0:36:00– NOW THE CHARACTERS REACT!!!! Kinda late, miss.

0:36:22– 90’s scat/electro hits us

0:37:10 A rusty nail goes through a guy’s hand. Tetnis is the most horrifying thing in the movie so far.

0:37:43– Wait so they’re chased now??? And the order they’re in changes??? Well that’s wacky.

0:38:27– AND THE TECHNO PUMPS UP WHEN SIMON JUMPS IN THE WATER!!!!!!!!!! EXCITEMENT!!!!!

0:39:36– CAPTAIN KIRK ROCKIN THE LASER SIGHTED ASSAULT RIFLE!!!!!!

0:40:28– FINALLY SOME GORE!!!!

0:40:35– This scene really shows how the zombie makeup can go from halfway decent to the worst thing ever.

0:41:04– PUKING ZOMBIE!!!!!!! How did that not become an internet meme?

0:41:17– And it apparently pukes acid. Extremely random but whatever.

0:41:48– Kirk takes booze to the zombie bite without flinching. Dude’s a total pimp.

0:43:04– FLASHBACK EXPOSITION!!!!!!!! IN SEPIA TONE NO LESS!!!!!!!!!!

0:45:59– Why the heck are they going to the “shaky follow the persons face” cam???

0:46:37– To hide from the zombies he hid in a ditch. HE HID IN A DITCH!!!!!!

0:47:30– So Greg gets attacked. Taken down by zombies. Then randomly the camera circles the guy. That isn’t even relevant to the House of the Dead game let alone anything in the actual movie.

0:47:44– Wait Greg dropped his gun?? HE DROPPED HIS GUN??????? DURING A ZOMBIE ATTACK????????? Yeah, he deserved to die.

0:49:22– Captain Kirk randomly supplies Cuban cigars and weapons. Dude’s pure metal.

0:50:23– So dude picks his weapon, amongst an insane amount of stuff, and he picks a six-shooter??? I really hope he dies for stupidity.

0:51:11– Of all the times to incorporate the game footage and it’s during the only part so far with a possibility of badassery??? Oh movie, why must you be so crappy.

0:51:16– Okay this one moment has zombies run up and stop. Like “Huh? Well… alright”. I can’t describe how funny this was to me.

0:51:31– Yes, walk in a straight line all facing the same way. We can totally ignore the fact that A SECOND AGO WE SAW ZOMBIES RUNNING FROM BEHIND!!!!!!!!!

0:51:32– Someone shot a gravestone. WHY SHOW THAT???? WHAT A COMPLETELY USELESS THING TO SHOW!!!!! Let alone the fact that someone is obviously a terrible shot.

0:51:39– RANDOM 360 SPIN!!!!

0:52:09– A random rock/rap song about “In the House of the Dead”. How insanely 2003.

0:52:48– A zombie popped up like Whack-A-Mole. Movie has peaked.

0:53:03– Wait, what does obligatory black chick have a shotgun? Captain Kirk specifically said she had twin desert eagles and what he says is LAW.

0:53:29– Grenade in a well for utterly no reason.

0:53:50– Remember what I said about this movie peaking??? Scratch that. Chick jumps in the air, the camera does a 360 and shoots the zombie. All in bootleg Matrix slow mo. THIS is the peak of the movie.

0:55:26– Now Captain Kirk has the dual Desert Eagles. Whatever, dude’s dope enough to have it.

0:55:54– So obligatory black chick lit a flare. I’m failing to see how that kills zombies.

0:55:58– Acid blood face guy tripped over a grave. HA!

0:56:04– Long haired dude took a zombie out with a clothesline. Pro wrestling style. PROCESS THAT.

0:56:28– WHAT DOES A FLARE TO A ZOMBIE!!!!!!!!!!! Seriously this makes absolutely no sense to me. Like at least kicking and clotheslining the zombie actually means they were hit. A flare…. is bright??? I know I shouldn’t be asking these things but dude. Tis frustrating.

0:57:58– Now it’s like a collage of everything we’ve seen in the past 5 minutes. What???

0:59:27– The zombies used axes. THEY USED AXES!!! And apparently cut off FBI ladies legs.

1:00:05– Cop chick doesn’t get the spinning treatment?? Well that’s hardly fair.

1:00:39– NOT CAPTAIN KIRK!!!!!!!!!!!! Now I have absolutely nobody to root for.

1:03:30– So acid face guy is having an introspective “I look hideous” moment out of nowhere.

1:05:03– And they’re kissing why???

1:07:33– So they leave Captain Kirk to die and my interest goes down about 60%.

1:08:05– It’s like the most ghetto evil scientist lab ever.

1:10:47– ZOMBIE CLINT HOWARD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

1:11:40– And Captain Kirk goes out like the insane badass he is.

1:12:48– ZOMBIE FISH!!!!!!!

1:12:50– Nevermind. Regular zombie. You had me THIS close to caring again, movie.

1:13:39– Weakest selfless sacrifice ever.

1:14:14– 3 way slow mo jump to safety!!!!!!

1:15:02– Don’t try to tempt me with scenes of zombie shooting. Uwe, you blew your load about 15 minutes ago.

1:16:11– YOU HAVE WEAPONS!!! WHY AREN’T YOU USING THEM????!!!!

1:16:26– Mysterious, shadowy figure from nowhere. Oh it’s Greg. Well, alrighty then.

1:17:27– Oh it’s the shadowy figure from before I didn’t mention earlier due to lack of caring. Although on the plus side, CONQUISTADOR ZOMBIES!!!!!!!!!

1:18:31– Oh it’s dude from the flashback. With another flashback. Super.

1:19:43– Cheapest acid special effect ever.

1:20:44– EVIL SCIENTIST SWORD FIGHT!!!!!! Filmed in the most obnoxious way ever.

1:22:07– DECAPITATED BODY STRANGLES A GUY!!!!!!!!!!!!! I really hope this wasn’t meant to be taken seriously.

1:22:45– And with her last bit of effort. The closest to a female lead we’ve had ends it with “Game Over, F****r.” I hope she uses that in every role she gets.

1:24:11– So NOW we get a bit of connection to the game. And they’re totally incompetent. Well thanks movie. Glad to see you this little trivia note amount to nothing.

1:25:16– And we end with cryptic words I can’t possibly care about.

*****

OVERALL RATING-

This movie was awful. Like, really awful. The acting was wooden, the story was beyond cliché, and the direction was basic at best. With that said, I can’t truly hate this movie. I mean even by Uwe Boll standards it wasn’t bottom of the barrel. I mean it’s not like it was Alone in the Dark bad. No, this was just an awful, should be straight to DVD movie. The only redeeming quality being the totally stupid zombie killing scene 50 minutes in. But why waste your time when you can see it at the link at the bottom? I really wish I had this information beforehand.

Rating- D-

http://www.gamesradar.com/video/v-20080922121620222075

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About Douchebag Batman

If you found this blog, I probably know you personally. Basically I'm using this for movie reviews, MMA previews, and the occasional wackiness from out of left field. Shout out to the horror short Welcome to the Party for the hella boss avatar. I'm not very good at selling this, am I? Anyway just check it out. You'll be filled with laughter. From my actual writing or realizing "Wow this guy needs an editor".
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