I Must REALLY Hate Myself- Vampires Suck Review

Caution: I swear in this. A LOT. So if you don’t like that, I really don’t recommend this.

Parody isn’t hard. “Avatar? More live AvaTard!” See even I can do it and I’m a schmuck. Now good parody, that’s a completely different story. This is proven with the work of Jason Friedberg and Aaron Seltzer. Haven’t heard of them? Well they’re the two hacks behind Date Movie, Epic Movie, Meet the Spartans and Disaster Movie. Their particular brand of “comedy” is basically taking a movie and adding a random pop culture reference. Add in the occasional “someone farted or got hit in the face” moment and you have the four movies I mentioned above. They’ve mastered this so well that when they wrote the script for Disaster Movie, most of the films spoofed weren’t even released. All they saw were trailers and they came up with the movie. I swear to god I wish this were a joke.

So I’m sure you’re wondering, why am I talking about these losers? Because in this review I’m going to watch their latest, Vampires Suck. Why??? Because I obviously have deep, psychological issues and the only way I can feel anymore is by inflicting harm upon myself. Or I just needed something that I could crack jokes about. Whichever one seems more plausible.

With that said, here’s a special PLAY BY PLAY REVIEW of Vampires Suck.

*****

0:00:00– So I just realized the “extended cut” I have no is longer than the one I did watch. Oh god this is gonna suck.

0:00:37– So 20th Century Fox and Regency films. THIS IS ON YOUR HEAD.

0:01:31– So the “unrated edition” has jello wrestling. Well that’s insanely random.

0:02:14– Vampires wear suntan lotion and drink true blood. HILARITY!!!!!

0:02:28– Team Jacob vs Team Edward battle with shovels. Can I vote Team Mustache Dad?

0:02:55– Vampires are glittery because there’s a disco ball over their cock. Honestly, more explanation than the actual movies have ever given.

0:03:19– A vampire has one giant tooth. I’m really trying to figure out the joke.

0:03:42– Tiger Woods joke. That’ll be relevant in a year.

0:04:42– “Teen angst” iPod mix. Hilarity???

0:05:20– Everyone in town is a vampire joke. What??? At least make a Lost Boys parody to do that.

0:05:55– A little girl’s room. But she’s not a little girl she’s a teen. HILARITY!!!!!!

0:06:12– I missed 2 jokes. They come that quickly. fucking A.

0:07:02– First prat fall joke. I’m assuming there’ll be more.

0:07:14– It’s funny because the indian dude is in a wheelchair and bitter. Or something. Whatever they said penis. COMEDY!!!!!!!!

0:07:45– Random “somebody got hit” joke.

0:07:55– Followed by the cripple dude suddenly being able to use his legs?????????? CONSISTENCY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! CONSISTENCY CONSISTENCY CONSISTENCY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Fuckin hell.

0:08:10– A racist native american joke. Seriously why aren’t there enough “white people are uppity, generic goofs” jokes???

0:08:50– Prat fall 2

0:09:00– He’s a werewolf so he has fleas. GET IT??????????

0:09:21– Now he urinates on a hydrant. Followed 3 seconds later by him chasing a cat. Because you obviously didn’t get it 20 seconds ago.

0:10:10– Okay, a barrage of random “so and so gets hit” jokes. That’s it, I can’t keep track anymore. I’m so not trying to keep count anymore.

0:10:45– SERIOUSLY THE SAME JOKE A SECOND LATER WITH THE ASIAN KID?????????? Y’know what, fuck what I said about consistency. VARIETY! GIVE ME SOME SORT OF VARIETY IN THE JOKES!!!!!!!!!!!!

0:11:40– So because random NEW PLAYER had a switch blade it’s hilarious???

0:12:08– Instead of Cullen they’re the Sullens. I can tell you right now that is as clever as this movie gets.

0:12:39– Another “They’re obviously vampires” joke. This is gonna be long.

0:12:54– The movie is so cheap they couldn’t get the real cast of Jersey Shore. Just a bunch of random goofs that aren’t even very good impersonators. Seriously outside of Situation and Snooki, you can cast them all for 12 bucks and a bottle of Jager. FACT.

0:13:00– I will say, the two replacements for the stars of Twilight are decent enough replacements. I mean, at least this chick is hotter than Kristen Stewart and the Edward dude doesn’t look like he’s having heroin withdrawals and eyebrows that look like porn staches.

0:13:50– I can’t tell what the joke is. The implication of the butt secks??? That’s all I got.

0:14:55– Apparently Bella smells. HAHAHA

0:15:18– NOW HE’S IN A HAZMAT SUIT?????????? Seriously how long must this joke be played for??????

0:16:09– There is no sound more annoying then empty slurpees.

0:16:40– WE GET IT!!!!! VAMPIRES ARE POPULAR NOW!!!!!!!!!! YOU DON’T NEED TO EXPLAIN ANYMORE!!!!!

0:17:05– If this movie wanted to impress me, the actor would juggle a real bowling ball and baby. Just saying.

0:17:30– NO NOT DOM DELUISE’S KID!!!!!!!!!!!! I find it hard to believe a season of Wizards of Waverly Place pays so little that you have to accept this shitty gig.

0:17:54– Is Abercrombie and Fitch even relevant anymore??? I mean if it were 2000 sure, but not in 2010.

0:18:20– The vampire wants to feed but it eats Cheetos instead. HOHOHOHOHO. Fucking this. Fuck it all.

0:18:50– The one time they could go “Well yeah, you’re obviously vampires”, THEY MISS IT TO MAKE A BLACK EYED PEAS JOKE!!!!!!!!!!!!!! SERIOUSLY I SHOULDN’T BE ABLE TO WRITE THIS FUCKING SHIT FOR YOU!!!!!!!!!

0:20:35– So Sullen uses the Asian kid as a shield to stop the truck. That is the closest I’ve gotten to funny. Then they show some just dreadful FX effects. I know this isnt’ horror or whatever but FUCK. EFFORT!!!!!! Forget what I said about consistency and variety earlier. EFFORT!!!!!!!!!!! PUT IN SOME FUCKIN HONEST TO GOD EFFORT INTO YOUR PRODUCT!!!!!!!!!!!!! YOU FUCKING PIECE OF SHIT HACKS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

0:21:58– And a Gossip Girl reference out of nowhere. I’ll be honest, expected more random pop culture references. Not doubt there’s still a shitload of useless ones but I expected a lot more.

0:23:09– HE HAS A TAIL BECAUSE HIS CHARACTER’S A WEREWOLF!!!!!!!!! REMEMBER?????????? FROM EARLIER?????????? I swear to god there are episodes of Dora the Explorer that are more complex and intelligent than this shit.

0:23:35– Kardashian reference out of nowhere. Again, this will totally be relevant in 5 years.

0:24:00– Pepper spray used. Does the count as a “randomly getting hit” joke??? Well no matter, dude got kicked in the dick.

0:25:03– A Crest Whitestrips joke. I can only assume it was done for the sponsor money.

0:25:51– Wait where the fuck did that retainer come from??? More importantly WHY did it fucking appear???

0:26:01– And now she’s sleep walking. WE GET IT! YOU’RE RIFFING ON THE DEAL WHERE SHE CAN’T SLEEP OR WHATEVER!!!!!!!!! SERIOUSLY IT’S BEEN A MINUTE AND A HALF OF THE SAME FUCKING JOKE!!!!!!!!!!!!!

0:26:39– And it wouldn’t be complete without a fart joke. Fucking A.

0:27:49– WE GET IT!!!!!!!!!!!1 VAMPIRES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! PLEASE STOP IT!!!!!!!!!!! I FUCKING BEG YOU!!!!!!!!!!!! I WILL SELL YOU A PINKY TO STOP THIS IDIOTIC JOKE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

0:30:11– Count Chocula joke. I’d bitch but this actually shows a difference in joke. So props.

0:30:31– ANOTHER GLITTERING VAMPIRE JOKE??????!!!!! SERIOUSLY!!!!!!!!!! YOU USED THE SAME JOKES IN HALF AN HOUR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! FUCK YOU MOVIE!!!!!!!!!!! I HOPE YOU GET EATEN BY A FUCKING SHARK!!!!!!!!!!! THEN SHIT OUT!!!!!!!!!!!!! THEN A BEAR EATS THE SHIT AND SHITS THAT OUT JUST SO YOU ARE NEVER SEEN AGAIN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

0:30:43– And Alice in Wonderland for absolutely no reason.

0:32:28– Vampire chipmunk. Well……. okay.

0:35:02– And now Bella is in lingerie. Not sure why but one of the few times I won’t complain.

0:35:29– And he threw her through the ceiling. Sure whatever. Don’t know, don’t care.

0:36:23– Twitter. Well at least they got that covered.

0:37:41– And they go back to the “They’re not vampires, they’re Canadians” joke. Fuckin A. DON’T REPEAT JOKES!!!!!!!!!! THIS IS WHY FAMILY GUY IS SHIT!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I really shouldn’t say that. Family Guy is Young Frankenstein in comparison.

0:40:43– So it’s the scene where Bella bleeds and the one Harpo looking vampire attacks Bella. I bet she bleeds to a ridiculous degree.

0:40:52– WHO WAS FUCKIN RIGHT??????????????? BOOM!!!!!!!!!!! I shouldn’t be able to call that shit. To be on the same wavelength as these fucktards is just depressing.

0:41:30– And it’s still going.

0:41:51– Wait, why does tanning beds kill vampires if we saw earlier it didn’t???? Fuck it just get through the joke.

0:42:03– SHE SAID SHE SHOULDN’T PARTY WITH LINDSAY LOHAN AND SHE GOT A BLOODY NOSE!!!!!!!!! BECAUSE LOHAN DOES BLOW!!!!!!!!!!!!! FUNNY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I swear to god Gigli looks like Blazing Saddles right now.

0:42:23– Finally, this awful gag is fuckin over.

0:44:29– He’s riding a segway. Five bucks says it.

0:42:46– Boom, called it.

0:44:20– Chris Brown joke. Little did we know he’d be back on top with deuces. Then fall off again when he freaks the fuck out at Good Morning America. Oh the saga of Chris Brown.

0:44:50– WE GET IT!!!!!!!!!!! SEGWAY!!!!!!!!!!!!! MOVE THE FUCK ALONG!!!!!!!!!!!!!

0:47:01– They use baseball as a gag but can’t make fun of the completely ridiculous baseball scene from Twilight???? SERIOUSLY????????????? IT’S THE STUPIDEST SCENE IN ALL OF TWILIGHT AND YOU CAN’T MAKE FUN OF IT AT ALL?????????? NOT A SINGLE FUCKING BIT??????!!!!!!!!????????!!!!!!!!!!!????????!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Fuck this, I’m tapping out. watching this one time for review is one thing but watching it again for a gimmick, FUCK THAT SHIT!!!!!!!!!! I’m done. I’m throwing in the towel. It isn’t worth my time.

*****

OVERALL REVIEW-

Watch anything else. Watch Santa Claus vs The Martians. Watch Rocky & Bullwinkle. Watch Diego Sanchez vs Josh Koscheck. Watch ANYTHING but this.

I originally wrote some big, funny scathing review but y’know what? FUCK THAT NOISE. I’ll give this movie just as much effort as Jason Friedberg and Aaron Seltzer put into their movie. SHIT SHIT SHIT SHIT SHIT SHIT Justin Bieber. SHIT SHIT SHIT SHIT SHIT SHIT “THIS IS A MOVIE REVIEW”. SHIT SHIT SHIT SHIT *HIT IN THE BALLS BY SOMETHING*.

RATING-



*****

So I realize this isn’t exactly a normal review. If anything it’s just me swearing a lot. That said, I actually did write (well start) a regular review though. I had watched the movie and started writing up a little dealie about the movie. I would’ve used it but I decided to watch it for a second time for a play by play review. However I found the movie so insanely infuriating this time around that I ditched it. So as a special treat, here’s the unedited, unfinished rough draft of what would’ve been my review for Vampres Suck. Just as much anger but actually coherent sentences. I bring this as a treat to you considering you suffered through my worst review yet.

*****

I knew this was bad walking in. But when I asked whether I should do it my Aunt Katie said “Sometime one must suffer for art.” She is officially off my Christmas card list. Welcome to Vampires Suck.

Now how can I put this politely? This movie is complete and utter crap. I’ve sat through a lot of awful things. I’ve seen Rocky & Bullwinkle, Santa Claus Conquers the Martians, The Stars Wars prequels, Diego Sanchez vs Josh Koscheck, and A LOT of Family Guy. But none of them, NONE, had me angry. I walked away going “Wow that was bad” but never had legitimate rage for all of mankind. I was angry that these two schmucks had the gall to make this movie. I’m angry at the American public bought into this dreck so much that it not only made triple it’s money but was also #1 at the box office. A week after Scott Pilgrim opened at #6 Vampires Suck was #1.

Just process that. Scott Pilgrim, love it or hate it, it at least had originality. It was presented in a way never before seen. Vampires Suck decided “Hey lets copy Twilight but make it ‘funny'”. Something that they somehow failed at and was #1 in the box office.

Actually lets start there, the “comedy” in the movie. I don’t think I have to explain it now but it’s not funny. It so awful it makes you appreciate the comedy laced into Schindler’s List. I swear to god I didn’t chuckle or smile once the entire time. Not a laugh, nor a chotle, not even a smirk. I sat there, stewing over my lot in life. Wondering “do I hate myself so much that I sit through this shit”? It wasn’t just because the jokes were god-killingly terrible either. The jokes had absolutely no variety. It came down to “somebody gets hit with something” and pop culture punchlines. That’s it. An hour and 16 minutes of the same two things over and over and over again. Not only that but the jokes were given absolutely no set up. Scene would start, the joke would happen and the next second we’d continue. It gets so bad that jokes are rehashed. I wish this were hyperbole but it isn’t. They do a “vampires glitter because…” joke 2 times. 3 if you include flashback to an older scene. Yeah, they pad out a movie less then an hour and a half long with a flashback. Oh god this is making my soul die.

Even worse, they take the time to explain some jokes. Do they think that their humor is so intelligent that it needs explaining? Do they think I’m so stupid I won’t get it? Not only that but some of the jokes make absolutely no sense to me. Like a random vampire had one, triangular fang. Was that that it? Is that concept so hilarious that it’s worth a single second of celluloid? No matter, it is quickly followed by “vampires wear sunblock” gag bringing me something new to not laugh at.

The worst part, Twilight really isn’t that hard to make fun of. It’s a terribly cheesy love story with 1 dimensional characters who make really stupid decisions that lead to some ridiculous scenes. Do they capitalize on any of this? OF COURSE NOT!!! Instead of comedically playing on a famous scene from the series they decide to make a Taylor Swift joke

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About Douchebag Batman

If you found this blog, I probably know you personally. Basically I'm using this for movie reviews, MMA previews, and the occasional wackiness from out of left field. Shout out to the horror short Welcome to the Party for the hella boss avatar. I'm not very good at selling this, am I? Anyway just check it out. You'll be filled with laughter. From my actual writing or realizing "Wow this guy needs an editor".
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One Response to I Must REALLY Hate Myself- Vampires Suck Review

  1. Katie says:

    Thanks for the mention, even if I am off your Christmas list. I know watching this movie was painful. ( when I saw it I swear I heard brain cells dying) But despite the swearing and bitching, at least your review interjected what the movie lacked-intelligence and humor. Some flicks are so bad they are fun- not this one. I kinda like Santa Claus conquers the Martians, & it has Pia Zadora before she was PIA ZADORA. As to Scott Pilgram…I may be an old f#@k, but I thought it was brilliant. I saw it again last night and realized that if I had a son he probably would have turned out to be Michael Cera.

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