Vault of Wonder #1- Hatchet II

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*CAUTION- SPOILERS ABOUND*

March 25th 2001 was the biggest birthday of my life. I’m not one for surprises so I know what I get every year. But as a big box was set in front of me I couldn’t help but smile. I tore through the wrapping like a madman and smiled even wider. In front of me was my first DVD player. I sat through the pleasantries but all I had on my mind was my latest toy. As soon as everything was over I rushed to the living room and hooked the sucker up. With my copies of Meet The Parents, End of Days and Fight Club I was officially in the future. Well, at least hip enough to step into the present day. Since then I have accumulated 220 DVDs (470 if you include TV shows and wrestling/mma) and 19 BluRays. Indeed, I have amassed quite the collection. Unfortunately, this isn’t exactly a good thing. Whether it was a closing video store or a cheap pick up from Amazon or even just some random movies on the DVR,I have picked up quite a few movies without watching them. From classic movies to obscure foreign flicks they have all fallen to the wayside. Well no more! I have decided what better way to get through them than with you? So pop some popcorn, grab a drink and come with me on this journey through film!

UNWATCHED TALLY-
DVDs- 45
BLURAYS- 7
DVR- 14
TOTAL- 66

*****

First on the docket is Hatchet II. If you haven’t seen the original, SEE IT!!! It’s one of, if not, the best slasher film in nearly a decade. The movie follows a group of tourists. Visiting New Orleans during Mardi Gras they decide to go on a “haunted swamp tour”. Unfortunately for them, not all is right. After their boat crashes, the group is tormented by Victor Crowley. A local legend that is, unfortunately for them, all too real. As the group is picked off one by one, it’s up to Marybeth to take him down. Not just to save the people but also to avenge the death of her father. With its fun array of characters and amazing practical effects, Hatchet really did live up to its tagline of “Old School American Horror”.

Four years later, 2010, director Adam Green decided to return to the swamps of Louisiana with Hatchet II. With only a cult following the movie was given a limited release in theaters. Well, that was the plan. Through AMC Theaters, it was released unrated. An unimaginable feat in the current days of sanitized horror. Unfortunately with less than a week in the theaters it was quickly pulled. No real explanation was given but horror fans across the nation were saddened nevertheless. Sadly, it didn’t have any releases locally so I didn’t even have the chance to see it. So I picked it up the day it came out on BluRay and…. well it sat there. UNTIL NOW!!!

*****

0:00:29- OH SWEET MOSES!!!!! We return to the cliffhanger from the first out of NOWHERE! Nothing like a crazed, mongoloid looking serial killer to wake you up.

0:00:45- THUMB TO THE EYE! I don’t know why but that little move always makes me cringe.

0:01:00- Marybeth has been replaced by scream queen Danielle Harris. And my heart goes aflutter.

0:01:36- CAT SCARE! Well not quite but SUDDEN NOISE!

0:02:20- WTF is up with this dude’s eye?

0:03:07- Oh it’s missing. Not sure why but okay. Whatever, I don’t see it mattering too much in like, 5 minutes.

0:03:51- “What am I supposed to do?” The acting here in particular made me cackle.

0:04:20- Wait so he’s suddenly angry at her??? BACKSTORY ABREWING!!!

0:05:04- Okay the name “Reverend Zombie” is so insanely badass. Sod off Rob Zombie!!!

0:06:11- Unwritten horror rule, DON’T STEAL!!! It REALLY doesn’t help that this dude apparently stole porno.

0:07:50- Even creepy eyeless dudes get bored by the talking in porno. Some things are just universal.

0:08:25- I don’t care if you happen to have a truce with a serial killer, DON’T LIVE IN HIS SWAMP! We’re about to find out why.

0:08:48- STOMACH RIP! AND THE GUY JUST KEEPS RUNNING!!! Okay, THAT’S GENIUS!

0:09:00- HE IS PULLING HIM BY HIS INNARDS!!!! AWESOME!!!!

0:09:22- DECAPITATED WITH HIS GUTS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Mortal Kombat, eat your heart out. And thus we get just an AMAZING intro!

0:12:14- TONY TODD!!!!!!!!!!!!!

0:14:35- I am REALLY trying to figure out what accent Marybeth is trying to do.

0:15:16- Tom Crowley is played by Kane Hodder!!!! That’s crazy cool.

0:15:57- Okay, Tony Todd should narrate EVERY story. Who would’ve thought the Candyman would have such a soothing voice.

0:16:19- I never, EVER need to see Kane Hodder do the nasty.

0:17:03- OH CHIZ! Never thought someone with a terminal disease could be this terrifying. And I will officially ask every chick I date whether they know crazy voodoo or not.

0:19:50- OH MY GOD I’VE NEVER SEEN KANE HODDER ACT!!!!!!!!! He even busts out the single tear. And THIS is why you were the best Jason Voorhees ever!!!

0:20:57- HEAD SPLIT!

0:21:03- JAW RIP WITH A STOCK SCREAM SOUND!!!

0:21:17- FACE CUT OFF!! LITERALLY CUT OFF!!!!! Kind of makes the following spear through the face kind of moot point.

0:23:48- “My family is gone!”. I swear to god mentally I replaced this line with “I don’t want your life” from Varsity Blues. I blame the accent. Whatever it is.

0:27:35- ASIAN DUDE FROM THE FIRST RETURNS!!!!! AS A TWIN NO LESS!!!!!!!!! Sadly without the top hat and cape.

0:28:42- Danielle Harris in the shower. HOLLA!!!

0:29:45- Reverend Zombie’s real name is revealed and all mystique is gone. WA WA WAAAAAAAAA

0:31:40- This time Asian dude does a bad French accent!!!!! Awesome.

0:32:47- BACKSTORY!!!

0:33:45- COOKIE POLITICS!!!!

0:34:08- REVEREND ZOMBIE GOT HIS OWN ROCK ENTRANCE!!!! Seriously, can this guy get any cooler???

0:34:41- THEY NAMED A CHARACTER CLEATUS!!!!! God bless hillbilly stereotypes.

0:35:09- An Asian redneck. AN ASIAN REDNECK!!!!! I never thought I’d see the day.

0:36:46- And just as soon as he comes into my life, Asian redneck leaves. Leave the memories alone!

0:39:36- RISE AND FALL OF LESLIE VERNON REFERENCE!!!!! It really is heartwarming to see indie horror sticking together.

0:40:50- Even the movie admits Cleatus is a real true hillbilly name. Nice touch.

0:41:08- Movie brings up a good point. Chad really is a douche name.

0:43:40- Random dude hitting on Marybeth= DEAD WITHIN THE HOUR.

0:44:17- I’m going to be REALLY HAPPY when this comedy relief gets killed.

0:48:48- Split up plan. CLASSIC.

0:49:39- Comedy relief does drugs. Even more reason for him to die.

0:50:28- Cleatus and Chad, COMING THIS FALL TO CBS!

0:53:19- Hatchet butt to the head? Never thought of that but DAMN that would suck.

0:53:45- And I’m proven right as Chad’s face is squashed like a grape.

0:55:10- Reverend Zombie’s plan is revealed and it’s actually pretty genius. Bravo Zombie, bravo.

0:57:12- Face into the boat propeller. Decent idea but looked a bit too goofy.

0:57:44- “Even if a monster comes to get you, we have guns right?”*smacks forehead*

0:59:05- And as hillbilly chick shows her chest, she signs her death warrant.

0:59:32- It just hit me!!!! Marybeth’s uncle looks like Jerry Van Dyke. His character suddenly became so much more awesome.

1:00:37- YOU’RE HUNTING A MONSTER AND DECIDE TO HAVE SEX!!!!! Your death is gonna rock.

1:00:52- Okay this chick has the most amazingly hilarious sex talk.

1:01:45- MID-COITOUS DECAPITATION!!!! And the expected hilarity ensues.

1:02:11- Wait the…. in the… with the….and the… WOW!!!!!! Just wow.

1:05:19- Awwwww, Asian dude discovered his brother died in the first movie. šŸ˜¦

1:06:07- OH MY GOD IT’S THE GREATEST CHAINSAW IN MOVIE HISTORY!!!!!!!

1:06:20- Two for one death!!!! Split in two no less!!! Showing all the gory details. Comedy Relief’s death, worth it.

1:06:36- Asian dude pisses himself and all dignity, GONE.

1:07:51- I don’t care if you are scared out of your wits, you BETTER make a move on Danielle Harris, Asian dude.

1:10:21- Hiding in the closet. The ultimate 10-year-old move. I actually tried that in a nightmare or two before. Didn’t work.

1:11:27- And it didn’t work here either. Poor Asian dude.

1:12:22- OH MY GOD!!!!!!! The belt sander makes its return and how sweet it is.

1:13:11- And Marybeth officially becomes braver then I’ll ever be.

1:14:00- Reverend Zombie, DOUCHE.

1:15:37- OH SWEET JESUS THAT ROCKED!!!! Curb stomp, not used nearly enough.

1:16:20- Uncle Bob comes face to face with Crowley. He just puts up his dukes and goes “Come on you hatchet-faced f**k.” Your purpose is officially validated.

1:18:36- OH CHIZ!!! MARYBETH WITH THE SWERVE!!!!

1:19:01- CANDYMAN VS CROWLEY!!!!!!!!!!!

1:19:31- RIGHT IN HALF!!!! Straight up Johnny Cage style.

1:20:04- TORN THE F OUT!!!!!!! OH MY FREAKIN GOD!!!!!!!!!!!!! That was BOSS!!!!

1:20:40- Marybeth goes freaking postal and you have no idea how in love I am right now.

1:21:12- You gotta be freakin kidding me!!! He’s still moving??!!!

1:21:18- Nevermind. Marybeth takes care of that.

*****

OVERALL REVIEW-

I’d be lying if I said this movie was as good as the first. I mean, it reveals more of the back story which is cool. And really, that keeps up with the tradition of American horror sequels. But really, I found it hard to care about it that much. Also you can really tell that the movie was a quick production. Whether it’s changing accents or the occasional cheesy looking effect, it’s definitely noticeable.

Despite the quick turnaround, you certainly can’t tell effort wise. As you go through the movie you can feel Adam Green and his crew put their all into this movie. Particularly in the kill department. I know I talked down upon the effects like a second before but they are good overall. I mean, the way some of the kills look is just great. With a barrels full of blood it definitely doesn’t skim on the gore. Not only that but everybody does play their role well. All of the characters, even if they were kind of shallow, were played by perfection. Tony Todd as Reverend Zombie stands out in particular. In the world of forgettable characters it’s definitely nice to care about these because they can make you laugh.

At the end of the day, there’s no denying that Hatchet II is, above all else, a fun movie. With it’s over the top kills and story the franchise continues to live up to the tradition of American horror. Something I can appreciate. And really, where else am I going to see a belt sander just go through a guy’s head?

Rating- B

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About Douchebag Batman

If you found this blog, I probably know you personally. Basically I'm using this for movie reviews, MMA previews, and the occasional wackiness from out of left field. Shout out to the horror short Welcome to the Party for the hella boss avatar. I'm not very good at selling this, am I? Anyway just check it out. You'll be filled with laughter. From my actual writing or realizing "Wow this guy needs an editor".
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