I’ve avoided it for years. Like the monster in the closet I would close my eyes and tell myself “It’s not real, it can’t be real”. Nevertheless, I knew I had to see it. Maybe I just like to test myself. Morbid curiosity?
Nevertheless, I had to face my fears. Not only for my own satisfaction but for you, my audience (all three of you).
I watched… Gigli.
I decided a couple months ago that I’d watch it for a review. I figured my first review had to be big. So I went to netflix and put it on my instant que. I turned on my Xbox, sat in front of my TV and….. couldn’t do it. All I had to do was press ‘A’ and start the movie.
So it sat there. Hours, days, weeks it sat. Always a new excuse to justify my lateness. ‘Oh, well I have work today. I can’t miss UFC 119. Or UFC 120, lord knows not UFC 121.’ But everytime I browsed Netflix Instant it sat there. Jennifer Lopez and Ben Affleck, mocking me on the cover. So finally, the day this is due, I’m going to sit down and watch this atrocity. So sit back, relax, and enjoy this special PLAY BY PLAY review of Gigli.
0:00:00– Happy, upbeat music to start with. I’m diggin it so far. Maybe it’s not that bad.
0:01:33– Remember when Ben Affleck had a good head of hair? I bet he does.
0:04:12– They mispronounced Gigli as giggly. I’m praying right now this doesn’t become a running joke.
0:05:23– So Gigli (played by Affleck) is a mobster with the heart of gold. ORIGINALITY!
0:06:25– Wait so Gigli has to kidnap a mentally handicapped kid named Brian? *slams head against table*
0:08:09– “You must be the stupidest pussy” says Brian as Gigli confronts him. This feels exploitive and funny all at once. Now I just feel bad.
0:09:00– “I want to go to The Baywatch” says Brian. Gigli has no idea what to make of this. Oh my god I’m on the same wavelength as this movie. *slams head against table again*
0:09:29– Gigli lies and says he’s going to The Baywatch thus getting Brian to join him. Emotional music is played. Then we cut to driving scene with wacky music. WHAT EMOTION AM I SUPPOSED TO HAVE???!!!!
0:10:20– Affleck pulls out a flashlight and talks to it to trick Brian. Telling him that The Baywatch is closed. More importantly though, you can just check out the mentally handicapped from whatever facility they’re in???? Suspension of disbelief and all but man, that’s just distressing. CALIFORNIA, YOU’RE ON NOTICE.
0:13:26– ENTER JENNIFER LOPEZ. LET THE ACTING BEGIN!!!
0:17:30– Out of nowhere Lopez pulls out an Italian mobster accent. ACTING!
0:20:04– “I am the fuckin Sultan of slick. I’m the Rule of Cool.I’m the foremost pimp mack fuckin hustler original gangster’s gangster”. I like to think Affleck REALLY misses doing Jersey Girl at this point.
0:21:00– “What is it with you?” Gigli says to Brian. Apparently Gigli never encountered a mentally handicapped dude before. Or seen Rain Man. “Can’t you just act normal for a minute”. Any possibly offensive content before has just been overshadowed.
0:27:30– The complete lack of chemistry between Affleck and Lopez is astounding.
0:28:36– Gigli posing in front of a mirror. I can’t help but think this a daily routine for the Affleck.
0:29:41– Apparently hit men go to bed at 10:28. Don’t know why but that struck me as funny.
0:31:47– Lopez reveals she’s a lesbian and Affleck isn’t getting any. I liked that plot when it was called Chasing Amy. God I wish I was watching Chasing Amy.
0:33:58– Christopher Walken comes in as a cop. He really will appear in any movie for a paycheck.
0:37:38- Out of NOWHERE Christopher Walken starts yelling about going to Marie Callender’s to get some pies. WHAT?!
0:40:30– The Baywatch is closed again. OH NOES~!
0:45:53– Discussion about the battle tactics of Sun Tzu between Gigli and Lopez. Seriously.
0:48:00– Gigli has to give his mother a shot in the ass. And she’s bitchy. COMEDY!!!!!!!!!
0:50:22– Wait, if this is where he grew up why does Affleck has a New York/Boston accent.
0:51:23– Discussions on sexuality between gigli’s mom and Lopez. *vomit*
0:59:33– Gigli has this dumb as rocks expression on his face after Jennifer Lopez does a monologue about why women are sexier than men. I wish I could express to you how hilarious it looks.
1:00:55– Wait they gotta cut off Brian’s thumb for ransom??? What an epic mood shift.
1:05:33– RANDOM NEW CHARACTER ENTERS THE SCENE! Oh, she’s Lopez’s ex-girlfriend. Well this came out of nowhere. Wackily enough, she’s the biggest overacts them all.
1:08:15– THE EX CUT HER WRIST!!!!!!!!!!!!! WHERE THE HELL DID THIS COME FROM????!!!!!
1:08:30– She made it to the hospital. Well this all went nowhere.
1:12:20– Oh they’re gonna steal a cadaver’s thumb. Pretty sneaky sis! A plastic knife can cut off a thumb??? I so didn’t know that.
1:13:55– Brian is rapping “Baby Got Back”. I see the joke and probably would laugh. But I absolutely despise that song. The bane of all karaoke joints. DAMN YOU SIR MIX-A-LOT!!!!! DAMN YOU TO HELL!!!!!!!
1:16:02– The big, “I love you!” speech from Gigli to Lopez while driving. The Chasing Amy envy returns. All you need is rain and it being and Jersey. You’d have a pretty good case for plagiarism.
1:21:35– Lopez says “It’s turkey time. Gobble gobble” as she is seducing Gigli. That is quite possibly the worst come on line ever.
1:22:44– If I didn’t sit through the tabloid BS in ’03 I’d find it impossible that Affleck and Lopez dated. The complete lack of any kind of sexual or emotional chemistry in their sex scene is astounding. I felt more love between the dude and the donkey in Clerks II. BOOM! Fit in another Kevin Smith reference.
1:27:20– Gigli giving another big monologue. The “I wish I could live a good, proper life” speech. Like Good Will Hunting but nowhere near as good.
1:28:21– AL PACINO???!!!!!! I expect this cheap appearance by Christopher Walken but Pacino???? You were in Dick Tracy, man. YOU WERE SERPICO!!!!!!!!!!!! *breaks table with head*
1:38:54– Brian rapping “I Need Love” by LL Cool J!!!!!!!! We all need more LL in our lives.
1:39:57– Bonding between Brian and Gigli!!!!! Given the bonding was over the phrase step up and there was no dancing but hey, can’t win them all.
1:44:35– OH MY GOD!!!!!! THE BAYWATCH IS OPEN!!!!!!!!!!!!! AND THEY WENT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! All is right with the world! Cats and dogs live together, children can play in the streets, Muppets Tonight is back on the air! THE BAYWATCH IS OPEN!!!!!!!!! My heart fills with joy.
1:48:45– Like a lost puppy they leave Brian at The Baywatch to get picked up by his family. You’re fulfilling a dream and all but that seems pretty damn cruel.
1:51:10– Gigli and Lopez share a kiss. Right before she drives off into the lesbian sunset.
1:52:27– Wait, nobody notices this kid walking onto a beach set in full jackets and pants? Not exactly the most perspective crowd. Oh snap he found love with a hot blonde! And he is using the advice Gigli gave him about stepping up! THE BAYWATCH BRINGS ALL TOGETHER!!!!!!!!! And she’s Australian too! Gigli has the same “Wait, what???” look I have on my face.
1:54:40– The movie ends with Gigli walking down the road Lopez picks him up!!!! THE BAYWATCH CURES ALL WOES!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I can honestly say it’s not the worst thing I’ve ever seen. It tries to be smart and edgy, it just fails in every conceivable way. It tries to combine romance, comedy and a crime into one movie and fails epically. When you have me wishing I was watching other movies, good and bad, you failed at your job. Still, it taught me the wonders of The Baywatch.